Dad's demise

He had been struggling with cancer for a very long long time, almost 12 years. A roller coaster of his health's ups and downs. Every 6 months he had faced one or the other major issue, but he returned back with strong health improvement. And the reason he breath is last (13th April, 2014) was a brain stroke.

He had a brain stroke in Aug 2013. After that he never walked on the recovery path. Slowly he diminished. He was suffering so much but yet he never expressed his pain neither to doctor nor to family members. In fact, during the last 4-5 months, whenever he talked to me, he talked to me with a smile. I felt so devastated and helpless looking at him smile. There have been days together when I didn't talk to him in last 2 months. He used to call me "avin avin .....avin" and mom used to give him a reason that I am busy with something. 

I don't even remember when did I talk to him before his demise. Probably 4-5 days before. On 11th, Friday doddamma and doddappa had visited home. So we made him sit on wheel chair, brought him to hall for few minutes. He was hardly conscious. He couldn't lift his head and he didn't respond too. I knew there was something wrong, but didn't take him doctor. Probably I was wishing "its good if he passes away". To such an extent I had controlled my heart and mind. I had given up a long ago. It was time for him to take rest.

Not a single drop of tear flowed from my eyes after his demise. Don't know why did that happen. May be I was convinced that "what happened is good!" or "it was expected". But when he was being buried and I couldn't see him any more, there was a sense of loosing him. I cried like a child. 

I lost a person who never complained (to me) of anything till date. He never showed anger towards me, no never! I was his favorite. When he was bed ridden, the only name I have heard him call was "avin", that's me. And I was not with him during his last day. Even when he was admitted in ICU during Aug'13, he used to ask me and none, not even mom or naina or anybody else, but me. And I should have been the person sitting beside him during his last moments. I regret.